April 29, 2009

Etiquette 101

I've always been big on etiquette and manners (aka home training). I was taught to say 'please' and 'thank you', apologize when I did something accidently, cover my mouth when I burped, well you get the idea...I've also always been big on reciprocity. Fighting fair, treating others how you want to be treated, giving people the benefit of the doubt, etc. But I can't for the life of me figure out how or why, I saw proper etiquette=an eye for an eye on my way home from work today.

My office happens to be located in the bustling streets of midtown Manhattan. Somewhere between the city's most beautiful sites like Grand Central Station and the New York Public Library and the tourists traps, garment factories and overpriced restaurants I ply my trade. With the hustle comes tons of people coming at you from every which direction. Courteousness, consideration and etiquette daily get tossed to the curb as people scatter to get to offices, showrooms and the next attraction. So I don't often take it personally when I catch an elbow or some other flailing body part when I'm on my way to and from the office.

Today I happen to be on the giving end thanks to my feeling under the weather. All I could think about was getting home. I got stuck in pedestrian foot traffic behind a group of slow moving, lip smacking, cell phone talking cats whose pronounced limps were more for show than anything else. As I (admittedly) blew past one of them, my very large purse (I'm a woman with lots of stuff, it's gotta go somewhere) knocked into said dude. I didn't stop to say sorry or anything else since home was all I had on my mind. But apparently my rudeness justified getting knocked in the shoulder by this same cat. I was compuzzled. What had just happened? As I turned and said "Excuse me!" he YELLED (what's with the yellers I keep running into?) "EXACTLY! THAT's WHAT I WAS WAITING FOR!" I was stunned. This dude had truly KNOCKED into me as I walked past to make a point about my etiquette or lack there of.

Now, I'm all for making a point but was that really necessary? Am I going to "learn my lesson" because some big dude knocked into me on the street? Since the entire thing was accidental in the first place, I think not.

After sizing him up and realizing this guy had no problem hitting a random person on the street, I resisted the urge to flip him the bird (my hand was already clenched and in position) or yell profanities at him. Someone who doesn't care about hitting a stranger isn't gonna care about doing something worse in public either. So I turned around, kept up my stride and walked away. But was baffled and upset none the less. Guess the boo is right, it's time to invest in some pepper spray for my purse...

April 9, 2009

U-N-I-T-Y: Have good Samaritans gone out of style?



This is a photo of a sign on my old block in the B-k. It was an homage to a woman who was raped. I was alarmed, but not surprised, that it existed. Says alot about the state of the world today, don't ya think?


"...and you shall love your neighbor as you love yourself."


It was the worst way to start my day. I walked to my office, excited about the warm weather ahead, happy I wasn't swathed in layers, so sunny I was wearing sunglasses.

That's when, steps away from the door of my office building,a young man accosted me.

"DAMN MA!," he screamed as he looked me up and down. "THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! I GOT THAT NEW SHIT! COME HERE MA, LET ME TALK TO YOU..."


Yelling, swaggering, putting on a show for sidewalk spectators, cajoling me into a reaction. He screamed as though blocks separated us when in reality he was two feet away. I was relieved that my sunglasses hid my startled response and shielded me from making eye contact at all. I was used to catcalling and commentary, even getting my hand grabbed. But screamed on at 9am? Not so much. I was still half asleep and mentally preparing for my day. So, needless to say my defenses were down and I was unprepared.

I thought it would end when I stepped inside and he continued his show (without my guest role) without me. Negative. He stepped inside behind me as I walked through the front doors, continuing his tirade, which I had this point stopped paying attention to, as I deliberately ignored his hollering and hooting. Maybe he was delivering a package (he had a box in hand) or he had a meeting, it didn't matter. All that ran through my mind was the thought of enduring his unwanted advances as I stood waiting for the elevator to my floor.

The incident ended as quickly as it had begun. Just as I thought I was mentally ticking off a list of things to say, an elevator 'pinged' and doors slid open, and I stepped inside leaving behind the idiota that was still yelling comments as the doors slid closed. All I could mutter to the tense passengers, one being my coworker, was 'what a hell of a way to start a morning.' A quick chuckle and averted glances and it was done.

But the whole incident bugged me. Aside from the situation itself setting a tense tone for my morning, how was it that, no one, not even my coworker who was also waiting for the elevator or the security guard who greeted me as I walked in, said a thing. Boo,nada, mudos. Was it because they thought I could handle myself? Was it because I walked by pretending that the whole scene hadn’t happened? Were they silent assuming that his arbitrary rant was just that and that my safety was not in jeopardy?

The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to scream! I wasn't expecting anyone to be Superman and "save me" but how do you just stand by and not somehow, in someway, become involved? I was baffled that no one had said or done anything. I was visibly shaken, scared almost, that it had happened and while I may not have outwardly expressed my fear (that's just like blood for sharks) isn't there some sort of moral obligation that people, not necessarily male or female, have to help their fellow (wo)man?

This incident reminded me of how easily we as people walk through life oblivious, taking no charge or responsibility for each other. It further illuminated a question I had after reading a story in the paper a few weeks prior. In 2005, a young Queens woman, Maria Besdin, was attacked and raped on a subway platform while waiting to go to her boyfriend's home. She cried for help and although two transit workers were present (one was in a token booth, the other a conductor) neither did anything. The woman brought a suit against the New York City MTA for negligence. Although both men alerted transit command, neither left their stations, didn't call 911 or did anything additional to stop or aid Maria. The article reported that recently, a Queens court dismissed her suit against the MTA and its workers. The judge noted: "[the transit worker] pressed an emergency button in his booth and ruled the men had no responsibility to intervene and were following work rules."

I was jaw dropping-ly stunned. It made me ponder: What kind of moral standards or moral compass do we as a society, a global community, have? Do they exist? Do we as people not have the obligation to help our fellow man? Do you allow someone to be harmed, or God forbid killed, while you stand by and watch? Or worse yet, as you see and walk away? What kind of message does this action send to women about their safety in public places and spaces?

While I was far from being physically assaulted or violated, I realized, today’s cat calls could be tomorrow’s rape cases.

Readers, I have to ask...What would you do? What do you think that people’s threshold or tolerance for potentially harmful behavior should be? Where is your own moral compass? How do you think you would react in either situation? If you have encountered this dilemna what have you done?

Grita...