The Queen of Procrastination

I am, admittedly, a procrastinator.

I'm that person who, for whatever reason, was given the ability to thrive under pressure, to get a rush from doing things and doing them pretty well at the last minute. In college, I could write a 10 page paper overnight (granted I didn't sleep but that was just the way it went). I can throw together a meal an hour before company arrives. The day of a trip, I multitask and do laundry, clean my house and pack just hours before my departure.

But over the last few years my procrastination/laziness/avoidance has bloomed into all out neglect. I've missed deadlines (it wasn't really that drop dead was it?), I've not returned phone calls (no bigz, whoever it is will call back), I've been left putting immense amounts of pressure on myself (kept awake by my anxiety and racing thoughts of what didn't get done immediately followed by guilt) because I've been avoiding something/someone. Television, sleep, food, wine, etc have all been my excusable escapes.

I hate stress, I hate pressure, I hate feeling like I can't accomplish something as well as I want to because of lack of time. Yet the distaste for that emotional nutcracker/vicegrip has only slightly modified my behavior.

I read a fellow samurai's blog - and I'll mention him again because his journey is a captivating one that has catalyzed many thoughts/emotions/questions on my behalf - and I felt my eyes well with tears. He was discussing the concept of time and what we do with it, how once its wasted, its gone. There's no going back, recoop'ing, changing, redoing it. Se termino, escapo. Punto.

I can only relate my physical reaction to the many "lost" moments, experiences that, thanks to procrastination otherwise known as my own doing also known as lack of discipline also known as avoidance, have slipped through my fingers. A job application I purposely sat on for fear I might actually get it. A gym membership I squalored away because I was too lazy to take care of my person and health. Then there are those lost moments I recall for their fleetingness and rapidity that prove time moves and changes your life no matter how you protest: losing my aunt a week after being told of her terminal illness; the friend who was attacked on her way home from a late night class; my cousin's cancer diagnosis.

The swiftness of time can't be controlled or ignored. Simply used as a lesson to fortify our souls and bring gratitude and grace to our lives.

Thanks NWSO for the reminder...