No more Ms. Nice

I've never been a fan of the word "nice."

I've never been a fan because, by default, it's always been employed by others when they're asked to describe me. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that this doesn't describe part of my personality. I take great pride and pain to be nice, to make people feel comfortable, to be genuine and to get along with folks. As my friend put it so well, "Nice is free" meaning that it doesn't cost you or anyone else anything to behave that way.

But "nice," "cute," "sweet," et.al. and every other piece of verbage that's used as a catchall by folks to talk about someone that's kind, generous or unusually polite is a cop-out, a stand-in, a throw away. As a writer, I hate throw away words. And sometimes, that's what I feel "nice" is. It's like "nice" is a catchall that just fits; nice is like the reliable black slacks you keep in your closet that are always going to fit no matter how bloated you feel or how quickly you need a pair of clean, comfortable pants to jump into. "Nice" for me, conjures images of a mousy, eager-beaver, goody-goody chimiqui who unwillingly--and often unnecessarily--gets her feelings trampled on because, she's so "nice" so she won't mind.

Maybe it's because for so long I was the dictionary definition. My parents are nice, generous, giving people who gave me home training and so by default, I became "nice" too. Thankfully, I stopped being that defacto visual back in high school. I didn't warp into a biznatch or a nasty Stankisha (though people close to me can tell you that I, ahem, can get ugly when my temper gets loose) but I learned the hard way that being too nice, too fast with the wrong people is a recipie for disaster often being the foolhardy choice. I learned I need to be clear about what my boundaries and limitations are so that people would not assume they could wipe their feet across my face or feelings.

So while I am still "nice" (I say Bless when someone sneezes, I give my seat to old and pregnant women on the train, I return wallets that don't belong to me) I realized that, just like back in high school, I take my "niceness" too far. I recently was reminded by several people and incidents that my attempts to be properly understood and percieved don't allow people to see my depth of emotions or that in my quest to communicate well, I'm not as assertive as I need to be.

After a particularly prickly incident at my job where I had been left out of the loop on a major decision, I had to approach the decision maker about his choices and explain my discontent as well as why I thought his choices could be deterimental. I thought I had handled it properly - instead of coming out of my face after recieving an email from him, I held tight, took a deep breath and waited until my anger had passed and addressed him the next day. My colleague told me that while my speaking out was great, my barking didn't mean much if there was no bite behind it. "You always complain Jess, that's nothing new." The words rang in my ears but I realized he was right. I had to start putting some muscle into what I was saying, if you're gonna talk about it, be about it.

I think I've always assumed your work envrionment was not the place to be emotional, not the place to express your true feelings, or the place to stand up for your values. Mostly because I've always been scared of being viewed or reprimanded for being inappropriate or even worse insubordinate. I think that as a woman especially I've always tried to gauge appropriate and inappropriate behavior so that I wouldn't cross a line or fit into the typical mold of the "emotional woman" on the job and be taken seriously.

But that's not the case. It is possible to be open and sincere and be taken seriously. And I am happy to report that just a week after that last incident, I didn't hold my tongue or my action when another situation arose. Another colleague was skeptical of my decision on a project and was insisting that we backpedal and take a safer route. Although I was upset, rather than get incensed, deflate and modify my approach, I went with my gut and approached this person who doubted my decision. I explained my disappointment with his reaction and demanded that we resolve it immediately. I didn't need to get all worked up and then calm myself down after thinking and rethinking what I wanted to say or venting to someone else about it. I had the capacity to deal with it in real time rather than assuming how it would go.

Sure my colleague was upset and felt attacked, but just a few days later, he apologized and said I was right and that my instinct and judgement were right on cue. I guess being Not-so-nice has its benefits after all.